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Day 5: A time you thought about ending your own life

I am a very happy person. I don't go through a day without smiling or laughing. I see life in a positive way and I do not let anything or anyone ruin it for nothing. Having said this, ending my life is not something I would think about most of the time... But I get sad, too (even just for a week or two). I grieve and I feel pain. So how ever happy I may be, my negative emotions got me.
Only 2 events in my life made me think about ending my life: the death of my beloved father and my first true heartbreak. During the death of my father, everyone were remembering how good a person he was, how he was someone to be proud of, how HIS LIFE WOULD BE BETTER NOW but I did not get it. I did not understand, and I still do not, why he died. I mean of course I know he died because of cancer but why? Our family needed him, his mother needed him, his best friend needed him. We all needed him to be alive. They say we all end up dying but can't he at least die a comfortable death. Why should there be so much pain? I thought about ending my life when this happened. Not because I want to be with him in some place after life (which I also want, but not really) but because I wanted to trade my life for his. I wanted him to continue everything he has been doing when he was still alive and just be healthy! I know, it sounds so cliche but that's what I really felt at that time. Now, I continue to live for him and for my family despite everything... Despite my first true heartbreak.
The first week was devastating and I still cannot talk or write about it. Ending my life seemed the only way to get over the pain. But no, I deal with the pain everyday and it gets easier to live with the next day. I quote from a book, The Fault in Our Stars, "And I remember wanting not to be awake." Heartbreaks make people want to die but is it worth dying for? That is what I thought about. Would your death make him come back to you? Would it make him love you again? No and no! Would it take the pain away? Yes, but for what greater cause? To not hurt? If you do not want to be hurt then do not love. These are all parts of a cycle in life that we just have to get through and learn from. Dying is not an option. Moving on (plus acceptance, I learned this from a friend) and learning are the only way.

Do not kill yourself. You will end up killing everybody else.


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